Chippy Returns
I've been to the gym 3x this week and I've decided that I like working out at night. Folks at night really want to be there. They are making a point to be there, you know? Instead of camping out on the couch watching sitcoms (which I often find myself wishing I was doing!), they are at the gym. I see Fast Precor Lady a lot now. She's always going about 25 mph on that thing, with her pretty sweat beads and her big hiney. She's fantastic. She's working so hard and she's a machine, I tell you. I've never seen anyone go as fast as this chica--or go as long. The other day I did a 40 minute session (more on that later) and she was there before me and was still going like a madwoman when I hobbled out of the cardio room.
Funny thing. I actually had lunch with Chippy today. The weird thing is that I've met her before. She is the friend-of-a-friend of mine. She and I met when I was visiting a playgroup last year. I thought she look familiar but couldn't be sure. You know what else? Chippy is 20 weeks pregnant. I saw her cute little perfect belly today at lunch. As much as I tried, I couldn't hate her, though. She's got her fair share of hang-ups, too.
I realized we are all on the same team, playing the same game...But we each have different somethings we are running toward: for me it's the 3 DAY, in all capitals, looming ahead like a big scary bookie. If I don't pay my dues now, I'll never survive. More than that, I'm leaving behind more than just my body in it's present state, but years of not really owning my own body. Four pregnancies in as many years, three beautiful children, and years of breastfeeding have made me feel like I don't really own this skin I'm in--like I've been farmed out and am just plain tired.
I can feel the cogs of change turning, turning, turning. It's starting to feel really good. I still hate the first half of my workouts, but by the second half I can at least manage to smile a bit when I think about what my body is doing.
I spent 40 hard, sweaty minutes on the machine on Wednesday. I did a really burley course. You know those blinking indicator lights that tell you how much resistance you are fighting against? Yeah, well I was at the dot just below the TOP dot. I was going really, really, really slowly, but I was doing it. For like four minutes at a time, I was climbing a friggin mountain. Then it would shift to a small hill and I'd feel relief for a spell. I would get used to happily plugging along and WHAM! Back up the mountain. It was like slamming into a brick wall. All I could do was listen to my music and think of all of you out there, cheering me on, up that hill of my own fear and self-doubt. And so I climbed.
~J
Funny thing. I actually had lunch with Chippy today. The weird thing is that I've met her before. She is the friend-of-a-friend of mine. She and I met when I was visiting a playgroup last year. I thought she look familiar but couldn't be sure. You know what else? Chippy is 20 weeks pregnant. I saw her cute little perfect belly today at lunch. As much as I tried, I couldn't hate her, though. She's got her fair share of hang-ups, too.
I realized we are all on the same team, playing the same game...But we each have different somethings we are running toward: for me it's the 3 DAY, in all capitals, looming ahead like a big scary bookie. If I don't pay my dues now, I'll never survive. More than that, I'm leaving behind more than just my body in it's present state, but years of not really owning my own body. Four pregnancies in as many years, three beautiful children, and years of breastfeeding have made me feel like I don't really own this skin I'm in--like I've been farmed out and am just plain tired.
I can feel the cogs of change turning, turning, turning. It's starting to feel really good. I still hate the first half of my workouts, but by the second half I can at least manage to smile a bit when I think about what my body is doing.
I spent 40 hard, sweaty minutes on the machine on Wednesday. I did a really burley course. You know those blinking indicator lights that tell you how much resistance you are fighting against? Yeah, well I was at the dot just below the TOP dot. I was going really, really, really slowly, but I was doing it. For like four minutes at a time, I was climbing a friggin mountain. Then it would shift to a small hill and I'd feel relief for a spell. I would get used to happily plugging along and WHAM! Back up the mountain. It was like slamming into a brick wall. All I could do was listen to my music and think of all of you out there, cheering me on, up that hill of my own fear and self-doubt. And so I climbed.
~J
posted by thefreelancemama at 9:16 PM
1 Comments:
Jesse,
Your ability for recollecting and expression are tremendous. I believe that in order to change, we must know what we want to change and express it precisely. I think you are on the right road - keep going!
I was at a training recently where the instructor asked us to do the following:
1.) Name what you are most grateful for.
2.) Name what you are least grateful for.
When we name both our blessings and our curses we are able to take action. It is when we ignore these things that we are unable to change them.
I see the seeds of change beginning to bud in you. You words are so full of hope, even when you are tired. Thank-you for your thoughts - they are a blessing every time I read them!
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